frogpeach09

Ok. So kind of a funny story. I was talking to Dr. Beck today about internships- mind you this is after a night of crying in oatmeal and being an emotional masochist... I've GOT to get a better hobby... but anyway. We had just finished this movie on funeral directors and they had a baby who died (you saw footage of it being alive and the parents talking about they knew he was going to die, his funeral, ect.)... Then she made us talk about it. Emo. Then after class I, you know, talked to her... and the talk went like this.

"I only say this because I've known you for a while but you give up too easily"
"I don't really care if I get the internship. It's ok. I'm ok with that."
"You just give up too easy! You need to fight more for what you want!"

And I definitely almost told her that all I wanted was to be left alone but she said, "I'll give you the day to think about it."

So I walked back up the hill and got a sandwich and while in the middle of eating it... I start to cry again! OMG, what is with me and food? Apparently a good sandwich will send me into hysterics. Really? Really.

But yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm looking in a mirror that I don't like too much- almost like I wish I could change my face but the only way to do that is to pick up a knife or pray for a new face- knowing full well my eyes will not be brown in the morning... Or maybe it's more like losing weight. I may lose a pound at a time and not even realize it. Or perhaps it's more like you try to lose weight and instead stay completely the same.

I thought about David and Nathan, my faults (including but not limited to my emotional masochism, unreliability, apparent give-up-ing-ness, self-flogging, ect)

So then I contemplated skipping aerobics, but decided to do. I was glad I did. Lauren was there and she was talkative. She's pretty neat.

And then Sex was canceled. Yay. Now I just want to read LOTR fanfic. Something nice and cheesy with a Mary-sue and Legolas. lol.

Yep, chicos, I think I've hit a new time low. *Laughs*

I think I'm going to become vegetarian. I've been thinking about it a lot recently and while I don't think I can go vegan at school... I'd like to be a vegetarian. I really don't like meat anyway... but recently I keep thinking about how animals feel pain, and it's kind of gotten under my skin. The other day at Lizzie's house we were making dinner (she was cooking a chicken) and while she washed it's body all I could think of was "a modest proposal" by Swift (the chicken looked kind of like a human infant). It kinda grossed me out. Then later Beth was telling me how she hit a cow with her bf's truck and how it died in agony- mooing. I couldn't eat any more chicken.

And while I have been eating some meat I've mostly been eating cheese and drinking milk to get my protein along with a multivitamin. I feel pretty good about it. I've been eating a lot of fruit and veggies. And while I haven't gone completely without meat- I feel like the less meat I eat the less pain I will inflict on animals.

I feel good not causing another creature pain to sustain myself. So yeah, I think I might officially become a vegetarian. It feels right.

*Laughs* I know, I know, I get more and more "liberal" everyday. But I won't join PETA, I promise. Ha ha.

So... I went to my interview. But along the way... I got lost... Went down not one but TWO one-way streets, backed into a telephone poll, had a cop follow me, was REALLY LATE, and then given back my resume and told to "get more information". *self-hate*

Ugh. Why did God make me a danger to myself and a looser? *face-palm*

And now... I'd be really surprised if I don't get a $300 fine in the mail from Mr.Cop.

Yeah... Great way to start a day.

When alone for too long I tend to think all these deep thoughts about life... and stuff. Today's thoughts revolved around friendship, love, and family. I thought of how much my friends mean to me and how I feel so close to them that some days my heart hurts. I consider them my true family, but still an uncertain family...

I fear losing them, I really do. The future is so uncertain that it takes my breath away... and while I know God has already bought my ticket and stored my luggage in His box I still find myself staring down at the train tracks with some uncertainty, trying to peek at the other luggage carts and see if anyone I know is on board.

And I think about how I take them for granted (how stupid of me!)- I always assume they'll be right next to me, but then POOF! And I'm like 'huh?' and notice how empty a room can feel. I think of the future, of people marrying and having children and me watching them and becoming an Aunt. *laughs* Cause goodness knows some girls can't keep it in their pants.

But I kind of see myself as being encased in ice, somehow the same. Not changing so much as watching. Frozen here as I am. Because I don't see myself being married. I can't change like that, I can't ride that train. I see myself having a cat.

Family has never been a stable concept for me. I've never really had one until now.

And I worry that I never tell you all how I feel about you. How much I love you... and while love is an empty word... I feel like I need to say it differently:

I'll always be right behind you whenever you need me.

I'll not abandon you, ever.

I need you and I hope you need me too.

And now I laugh because I should not be left alone for too long. I'm so sentimental and I tend to spend too much time reflecting and digging into my heart and soul.

Why don't I say such things in person? Because then I have the opportunity to express it in hugs and physical affection, I suppose. *laughs* And right now I'm lacking such an outlet. *Wants to hug* *Hugs Mr.Turtle* Not the same... but one does what one can.

I sat in Eline's office today watching her calculator add and subtract numbers and all I could think was 'This is nothing' but it meant so much. I owe the school $469.23 and it must be paid within three weeks or else I can't finish school. Mind you, I had most of this due at the BEGINNING of the year and yet I was allowed to pass registration and even given a $500 book voucher... and now they tell me to pay or not come back.

Also my car is dead, and I need to get it fixed. I also have a $160 dollar bill due tomorrow for the dentist.

I hate money... How in the world am I going to pull this off? Man, I just... I always thought my good grades would help me, you know? But no... apparently only athletes and goah scholarships get free rides.

Today the Jenn found herself bored while studying for sex class... so she got on facebook and looked at flair of kittens... then when to ihazcheeseburger (best site ever) and then did some homework... before procrastinating yet again.

If she were a smart duck she'd be more motivated but as of right now the urge escapes her... instead of doing homework she'd much rather be writing about herself in the 3rd person.

She set up some appointments for grad-school!!! And she is making progress on fieldwork. She may end up working with kids (to get out of her comfort zone)... maybe abused kids. Can she handle it? She hopes so. She thinks she can understand them better than most people and that goes a long way.

All she really wants to do right now though is watch Leverage and not do homework. El es vivir...

Is it Friday yet?

The Jenn

So yeah... Got lots of work for the week and zero motivation right now... So I'm writing a live journal post! It's been a fairly good week aside from Mr. Rochester trying to die on me. Today Kristen and I (and Alex, Kristie, and Tim Lario (sp?)) went to the Celtic festival. I almost did not go because of tests but then I thought 'It's tradition!' so I naturally had to go. While there I made myself a little mini-documentary by taking pictures of all the weird stuff I saw. Ha ha. Best thing ever: Barney in a kilt. Awesome. Didn't buy anything but had fun just the same. Btw, I got to drive... HE LIVES! I filled him up with gas today... I'm such a novice. Kristen had to help me. ha ha ha.

Good stuff. Kristen ate a scotch egg in your honor, Alpha. She hunted quite well for one outside the pack.

This upcoming week will be nuts. One test Monday on sex. I'm starting to understand what Mulan meant when she said "I never want to see a naked man again." Eww man parts. Then I have a paper due Wen in Death and then a test on Death Friday. Busy busy... All I wanna do is sleep and go buy sweaters or a hoodie (it's getting cold here!). Hopefully this weekend.

I really wanna go shopping... Maybe treat myself with a scarf? That would be nice. Hmmm.

Anyhow, that's my life right now! So yeah... I should go do something semi-productive now... Like study or sleep.

Ok! Happy entry promised and now delivered. This week, while busy and stressful, has none the less provided me with multiple blessings. First, CELLO! I love it. We picked out my cello and tuned it (boy, do I never want a test on how to do that!) and I was showed how to discern a good cello from a bad one, ect. Showed the keys on a piano (you have to tune it to a piano). And I love Cheryl Fitzgarad. She reminds me of my friend Ami from Cosby. She's just so sweet and happy. I love her.

Second, I was stalked after Death by Senora Woolard... and now I'm Spanish Club president! Go figure. ha ha. I need to make a rush day table and all that... and I have to stand on stage in Convo. O_o I never thought I'd be on that stage for anything other than academic awards...

Third, I'm in an honor society! Hurray!... But it's kind of boring... but who cares! It'll look pretty on a resume!

Also, no bad things at work this week! Success! Hurray!

*Laughs* So, yeah... life is busy but pretty much awesome. Yay!

But on a more somber note for those of you who commented on my last note- I banned all future comments and viewings, I think... But this one is free to comment on! As for the last one- I'm just going to let us all not argue and fight because there is no winner. Only arguments and hurt. But I still love you all. :-) And I hope today is a good day.

I'm just sorry it's so short... I have to go to espanol (test lunes! Ahhh!) and Death... then the dentist. Sadness... Not really... Maybe pain. lol. But I'm so used to it. :-P

Anyhow, gotta go eat! Chow!

Le sigh. Don't get me wrong. I love school. LOVE the professors.Love my life. But sometimes life just gets to me. This week has been so... stressful. I used to cry maybe once a month. Now? Try every other day. It all started with my Alpha leaving, and the water works never quite stopped. lol. Sorry Alpha, a Beta is only so capable on her own. =-P This week, however, has been the worst so far as far as stress goes. First... I had to read a Human Sexuality article... It recommended that homosexuals get cured for their "illness" and to not be given support by the Christian community. I wanted to burn it. Instead I went for a walk. I saw the beauty of the blue sky and the colors in the flowers and was given momentary peace... But then I thought 'Why would God make me this way?' I found a beautiful green acorn and for a split second I thought 'Would I die if I swallowed this? I bet I would' and I was shocked at myself. This was bad. I went back to my room with my acorn and cried.

Next class period we talked about the article and the song "I kissed a girl"... I hate that song. Can I just say that? HATE IT! It's such a horrible mockery of a "lesbian" relationship that I could scream. And people love it. Ugh. But anyway, naturally I gave my opinion and was mostly agreed with (that it was a horrible song).

But then I realized something 'In this class, how am I going to lie about that?' I mean, among friends it's easy. Just don't talk about it. Just be silent if you don't want a fight or leave. But I'll be having to write a journal... About myself and my feelings. I suddenly felt a little nauseous.

I went to my room and wrote Dr. Beck, Dr. Mills, Jamie, Rachel, and Greta (later). I wanted them to know before journals were read. Most of them were surprised but promised to love me and treat me the same. Jamie took it a little harder than the others... But I'm used to it... It's just putting so much pressure on my heart right now. I really can't explain it any better excpet to tell people, "Hey, guess what? I have green eyes." and they say "Can you try to not have green eyes? Or if you have to- you can have them but just don't look at anyone, ok?" and I'm faced with the prospect of plucking out my own eyes.

I find comfort in my friends still and, naturally, in God. I keep praying for strength and guidance and He's keeping me sane and I'm reminded how beautiful He is. Some days I feel that I don't belong at Milligan, but I know that I belong to Him. And I can't run away. I gotta fight this. Only one more year... But do I pray to turn my green eyes blue?... I like my green eyes just they way they are.

I know that many of you don't support my "choice" as you believe it to be, but trust me... I would not choose this for myself.... I just want to be loved for who I am- every bit of me... but only God will give me that gift. Everywhere else there are only frowns of disapproval... Well, not every one... Dr. Beck and Greta were especially very kind, not to say you all weren't. I hope you all understand what I'm trying to say...

But if this were not enough... I show up to work and get my first warning. Two more and I'm fired. I accidentally missed work because Jeff made the schedule on 2 pages. One for week days and one for weekends... Well, we also put evenings on the weekend shift... I just went to my work station in Archives and cried... Then there was a hair in my ice creme. Ha ha ha. Ok, that was funny, but I swear that if I didn't know any better I'd think there was someone somewhere sticking pins into a voodoo doll.

So, yeah, needless to say I've been a slacker and went to the bookstore with my roomie (who I feel sorry for, as she has to deal with me). I love bookstores. Only bookstores, hugs, and hiking can make my world better some days. I don't know what I'd do without them. My escapism.

"oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now"

God, please send me someone to help share this burden...

So, I've managed to take a mini-vacation from Summer vacation by getting kidnapped from my house by my Alpha. The escape plan was formed yesterday morning, very briefly, before I got whisked away to Gatlinburg to look at fishes. Yay! Then further whisking took place and I am now in Kingsport. Yay! I love my friends.

So, yes, I'm FREE and I have internet. Yay-ness! I'll be here for about a week until I gotta go get my teeth kidnapped out of my mouth. Saddness.

But intell then I plan on lots of fun, some Moonlight, and dreams about Alpha's fictional characters.

*Waves entusiastically to all her amigos*

Hola minna! (and yes, that is Spanish and Japanese together... I don't know "everyone" in Spanish)

First, an apology... My computer will not let me cut this. The fomatting is weird. So sorry!

Since I've posted to you all last many great and wonderous things have happened. For one thing, I've manages to make Japanese rice (no burning. wink) so many times I can do it in my sleep now.

For another thing- I'm a zucinni and squash-a-holic. I love them stir-fried and I have one nearly everyday.

And for yet another thing... I've done some inner-soul searching that would make Gandi weep... Ok maybe not Gandi...

And so, without further ado this is going to be a long post. Ha ha. Because I miss my friends and have been making little mentle lists of things to talk to you all about... What? Pathetic? Me?? Moi??? Nahhh... Ha ha.

Fist little mini-largo rant has to do with me and a bookstore (aka a fish in water). There was a book I knew I wanted (for I had read it before and wanted to read it again). Now, I know some of you are going to sqwirn in your seats... but I love you so I hope you keep reading. lol. It's called Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden, written in 1982 and is renound for being the very first happy-ending book for GLBT (gay, lesbian, bi, and trans) youth.

It's a love story and while it (naturally) deals with homosexuality it is tasteful for my prudish self. *laughs* However, dispite the fact it was a perfectly wholesome book (unlike the Anita Blake series) I was so nervous to buy it!!! I mean, I was literally going and picking it up and putting it back down and looking at other books... before coming back. And I was just about to say 'forget it! I'll buy it in JC' when I picked up another book and read the back. It was another teen book (I prefer them due to their less sex-packed nature). It was about a girl and a guy and mushy love stuff... and that's when I felt it.

I went back and picked up Annie on my Mind *clears throat and gets on soapbox* It's a love story! Just like ANY love story except that it's about girls, something that can be easier to me to relate to at times. Sometimes I feel so ALONE in a bookstore with nothing but straight characters! It's saddening that there are SO FEW books for people like myself to read! So, I bought it... and I wanted to talk to my mom about it... *gets off soapbox*

(what follows is a mix up of other conversations)

Oh... Was that a bad idea. ha ha ha. I laugh only because just yesterday I was crying. She started talking about grandbabbies and if I had any "prospects" aka boys who like me. And I told her "no" and that I don't want children...

She called me a disipointment and told me that I loved my friends (after I told her about b-day plans) more than her.... She said I was just like "those people" who she loved and helped and didn't respect or return the favor at all... I never knew that in her mind I feel into the catigory of "ungreatful" and "disrespectful." Needless to say, I did what I do in all overly-emotional times- cried. I just sat on the bathroom floor and let it all out.

But today I feel a lot better... dispite the fact that Hunter threw up on the nice clean carpet. Mom and I have never really been close since the divorce. I love her, but we don't talk about personal things. It was my fault that I crossed the line. But that is life, no? I finished making us both dinner and then went back to my room and read until I finished Lizzie's Anita Blake book. Then bed. Exhausted.

Good news, however, is that there may be a big birthday bash in the near future. When is it, Hailey? I know it's a week after our birthdays (the 15th and 17th of July). Anyone wanna come? We're talking about Dolly Wood or Splash Country... or ice skating. Heck, we don't know what we're doing. But it's going to be fun!

I kind of feel like right now that I need to make the different topics in this post different colors... heh.

With other news, there is a car in the near future. Don't ask me what kind... It's blue. ha ha. But the guy needs to find the title. O_o;; Worries me. I think it's been stolen. Not really. ha ha. jk. That'll be nice, though! Then when I go back to Milligan I'll be driving my self!!! Scary, huh? Watch out! ha ha.

Also in the near future is going to be a dentist appointment. Might get braces. Crossing fingers. O_o Hope I can afford it.

I miss JC. I miss Hopwood. I miss Coffee Company. ha ha. And I miss you all... even if it hasn't been that long. What am I going to do when we all go our seperate ways for good? I'm gunna die. Simple as that. =-P

But in the meantime there are so many good movies coming out! Harry Potter, Gi joe (I KNOW Lizzie's gunna drag me to see it), and I'm sooo excited for the Avatar trailer I saw while going to see Transformers. Sqwee!

*looks up* Wow. Random much?

Anyhow. It's almost 2:30pm here and I'm gunna grab some grub. Love & Miss you!

Adios.

This mourning I have taken my last in-house shower for two weeks. Fun fun. I've got my dufflebag all situated and ready to go. Yesterday I bought a map of Canada and I plan to go through and mark our progress and mark special places I like. Tonight is graduation (where my suitie is graduating! Yay Hailey!) and then Abby, Dr. Wallace, Stephen Moorse (and some others I don't know. 10 of us in all) are hitting the road. What kind of a trip will it be? I don't know. Will it be wet, cold, warm, muggy? No idea, but that's part of the charm. Part of the adventure. Whatever the case I'm excited to be going.

Also, just so you all know (and so my Alpha does not charge into the Canadian wilderness to save her Beta from enemy pack members aka wolves or mooses), my phone will be turned off (roaming charges) unless there is an emergancy. Laptop is staying at Abby's. Almost no technology for two weeks! How will I survive?! lol. jk, Anyhow, wish me luck guys, I'm GOIN' TO CANANA (whichiswhereWolverinelivies!sqee!!)

=-)

Love,

Jenn

Alas, my inability to commuicate via electronic typing strikes again. I was writitng to the director of the group- casual and kind-heartedly with a bit of humor about my need to gain more money and my choice to be in his program:

"Sir, I'm very aware of what I'm signing up for- no question about that!! But I'm also killing two birds with one stone here. You see, I need fieldwork to graduate and if I get it here I can also use my student loans. I'm a poor student, sir, and I can't pay for this trip on my own. I am very aware that this is an archeology trip. =-) No worries about that. I made up my mind long ago, though, I'm going... I just need to figure out how. Know anyone who needs a kidney? ha ha. Just kidding.

Thank you so much for your hasty reply and sorry for the confusion... I hope I cleared things up?

Thanks

Jenn"

and he wrote me saying.

"Let's consider the tone of this reply.  What am I supposed to understand?  Are you mad at me?  Impatient with me?  Believe me, we have people go and wish they hadn't.  I wanted to make sure.  I will speak with Professor Higgins about it.  This might not work, Jenn.  As I approach 60, I do not respond to this tone very well."

And before I even had the chance to reply and make amends, he sent this one:

"Dear Jennifer:

 

Let me simplify both of our lives by removing your name from the Karak Project list.  I am reacting to your note from last evening and don’t think we would get along very well working in close quarters under difficult circumstances.  I will work out a refund of your deposit so that you don’t lose any money.  This will save lots of money, instead of costing so much for airfare, etc.

 

If you are interested in archaeology, there are lots of projects listed in the recent issue of the magazine BIBLICAL ARCHAEOLOGY REVIEW, in the Milligan Library.

 

Best wishes.

 

Gerald L. Mattingly"

And I cried and cried on Hailey's shoulder and I ate a chocolate bunny and feel a little better but still very much so devestated. I wrote him back apologising but even if he lets me back in the program I don't know what I'll do. I feel like this has a very bad start to it... and I kind of just want to crawl into a ball or run away with all my ducks while I still can.

Disapointent sucks... and I suck for messing up a great oppertunity... Bleh.

How did I slip so far? I suppose it makes since in a way... that you have to hike up a mountain one step at a time, and that you have to hike down it the same way... and you very rarely ever notice how far you've gone until you reach your destination and look back/down/up and think 'How did I do that?'... Yeah, I'm kind of feeling that now.

As you all know, I've been... uh... having some God-issues for the past year or so, and it got worse... and worse... until the point I didn't even know if I was a Christian anymore... But...

Sunday, after getting back from D.C., I had a huge desire to go to Church... and I did something I haven't done in years- I went to Church by myself without any motivation from others. It just so happened that it was Palm Sunday at Hopwood. I was really worried about finding myself spiritually drained, not "seeing" Jesus there.... But I did... I don't know how...

And now I'm both in awe and scared to death that I'll lose sight of Him any second. I cried my heart out and can't really even put into words why... But now I notice all the things that I have thought, said, and done in the time I've ran away from Him and... I don't want it to happen again. I'm scared of my own inclinations to stray and humbled because... I know He never left me, even when I locked Him out.

But yeah... Now I'm just going to sit here for a little while...

Thanks guys for sticking with me.... I'm sure it's been... tough. Please be patient with me and forgive me.

With Love,

Jenn

A lot has happened recently. Spring has showed her beautiful face once again, which has lightened the load on my heart somewhat. Flowers bloom and I rejoice in their beauty. Weeks fly by. I've been going to Church again and for the first time in a very long time I've begun to feel God again. However, at the exact same time I find myself filled with a heavy sadness and lonelyness. I cry often. I eat alone a lot. I seek happiness in friendships, but find only temporary relief there. I miss people. Friends are leaving. I feel more and more alone. I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know how to stop it, if I can.

Even when friends around me ask what is wrong, and I know they love me... I don't see why people love me. I don't find myself to be attractive in any way. I'm fairly plain. I'm sad a lot. I feel than I must be unlovable because... if I were not then I'd have at least people to eat with and be talk-to people in classes.

Forgive me, my friends, for sounding un-greatful for your love. I'm not. If it wasn't for you I'd not be here right now. You are the reason I keep pressing forward. Because I know someone cares, even if I don't.

I feel like I'm breaking apart. Where is the me of yester-year? Why do I hate the me I see now?

I just don't know, and I hate showing this side of myself to people, especially those I love, but... I need to tell someone who might care. Someone that really does care that I hate myself.

And that name is Petra.

Guys... I'm going to Petra over my summer in Jordan! PETRA! The forgotten city that was carved out of the cliffs. Link to photo: http://mikeb79.deviantart.com/art/Petra-I-83971675. Mwa ha ha! I can't stop myself from bouncing around the room. Who need to do homework when Petra is in her near future!? Ha ha ha!

*Coughs* Don't mind me. I'm fine, really.

Ah... Spring Break... That wonderful time of adventure and excitement and.... you know.... sleeping in until 11 or noon. ha ha. So, what kind of misadventures did I get into? Well, first came moving into Abby's house. Hailey and I both brought homework, laundry, birdbooks, and laptops. We kept saying 'we need to do homework...' but very little homework  took place.

( Read about the adventure! )

Hopefully Hailey and I will upload our pictures soon. ^_~

Hasta luego,

Yesterday I went to the bookstore with my roomie and Abby and bought a new drawing notebook. My old one got all filled up... and I really want to draw something - an urge I haven't been able to indulge in for a long time. So, perhaps today, I'm going to bring my old pencils out of hibernation and draw something... It's been SO LONG. I just hope I haven't lost my touch. Heh.

Onto other news, am I the only some suprised by last night's snow? I found it to be so random... but now that it is here... I want to curl up with a cup of coffee and surround myself in blankets for the rest of the morning. Hmmm. That doesn't sound like a half-bad idea. Maybe I'll draw a coffee cup, eh? ha ha.

 

 

There really isn’t a good time for this…. So now is as good of a time is any. First off, I choose to write via livejournal because it’s the easiest way for me to contact everyone who’s opinions matter to me and secondly because it helps me write down everything I want to say and get everything I need to say out in the open. Second, I personally would prefer any responses to be done in person… simply because of the delicacy of the issue and the limited communication writing provides. However, I’m A-OK with e-mail or livejournal too. Just be careful how you word things, K? =-)

 

 

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( Read more... )

Again, I love you all and I pray that we can all get though this relatively unscathed.

 

In Love,

 

Your Jenn

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